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Imagine a home that is pleasant, upbeat and relaxed. It can be yours - even if you live there with children. The trick is in learning how to calm chaotic emotions - both your own and your children's. There are actual skills involved in creating a pleasant atmosphere. It doesn't happen by itself or by accident. So let's see how it can be done!

It starts with you - the adult. Keep in mind the image of the airline stewardess demonstrating that the parent must put on her oxygen mask first and then assist the child. You, the parent, must give yourself oxygen first, in any upsetting situation. Oxygen turns off adrenalin, the culprit behind the "flight or fight" response. This emergency survival response of the human body can be triggered in real life-threatening situations, imagined life-threatening situations and in anger-provoking situations (which have a way of seeming life-threatening in the moment). For example, a parent may experience a rush of adrenalin while watching his or her youngster run onto the road and also while watching the youngster slowly ignore the request to get ready for bed! Adrenalin stimulates and strengthens the human body allowing it to fight, flee or freeze. When this chemical is released in the context of a stressful interpersonal challenge (like a kid who isn't listening to us), it can cause us to become aggressive, loud or even violent. Adrenalin can make us look and sound out-of-control. Since this isn't the image we want to project to our youngsters, we must become adept at turning adrenalin off when we realize that it is running during a parenting moment rather than during a physically dangerous situation. First signs of an adrenalin rush include a tightening of muscles (be particularly aware of your jaw, your chest and your arms), a rising volume of our voice and a slightly "crazed" or panicky feeling beginning to develop. SIT DOWN. This action fools the brain into thinking that the emergency is over. While sitting, take in a deep breath of oxygen and slowly and deeply let out the excess energy created by adrenalin. Do this as many times as you need to - until you feel back to normal (the way you were before you became a parent).

Parents can prevent adrenalin from running in the first place by knowing in advance how they want to handle typical daily challenges. Most parenting distress is caused by routine misbehavior of children and teens -- so routine, in fact, that it happens regularly and predictably. Every day is "same old, same old" -- won't eat dinner, won't get dressed on time, won't do homework, doesn't do chores/responsibilities, forgets to call home and so on and on. Having a parenting plan - expecting the misbehavior and preparing a specific intervention - keeps parents calm in the "uncooperative" moment. In your mind's eye, see the problem behavior occurring and see - in slow motion - your excellent response to it. Run that movie every morning before getting out of bed. You'll be very proud of yourself when you see how smoothly you can handle even difficult parenting challenges!

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Okay, now that we've begun to settle your nerves, let's turn our attention to upset children and adolescents. By this time, your calm model will be an excellent beginning. It is impossible to teach children how to stay calm under stress when you can't do it yourself! Remember that energy is "catchy" - your children's hysteria and loud screeches can cause your adrenalin to run and then you'll be screeching as well. However, you can utilize the catchy aspect of energy by speaking very slowly and quietly to your kids while they are screaming. Keep your voice down, keep it slow and low, and keep it that way the whole time you are talking to them. Soon they will become calmer and calmer. DO NOT tell them to calm down. This will only cause an escalation of emotion. Rather, let them know you see how upset they are by saying something like, "O.K. I see everyone is upset here. I see there is a problem going on." Acknowledgment calms people down whereas as instructions rile them up (i.e. - "stop screaming").

To help prevent hysteria from occurring in youngsters, follow the Relationship Rule: "I do not give or accept verbal abuse." This rule means that you refrain from yelling at or insulting your kids and you teach them to similarly refrain from verbal abuse while talking to you. (A procedure for teaching this rule is outlined in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice). Your children learn that, even if they are upset or disappointed at what you've made for dinner or at your instruction that they clean up their room or at your refusal to let them go to the party or at whatever else you've dealt them, they must speak to you in a normal tone of voice with respectful language. Getting them into this verbal habit with parents trains them to know how to express frustration in a healthy way in every relationship - with their friends, eventually with their siblings and one day with their spouses! The Relationship Rule helps everyone to stay calm and preserve the love in their lives.

Finally, keep in mind that some children (and parents!) are born "hot-headed" - prone to drama and hysteria. This group must follow the same steps as all others in order to attain equanimity in the face of upset, but the learning process can be longer. Some people have found that Bach Flower Therapy - a harmless natural intervention, can help bring out-of-balance inborn traits into balance. Anxious children and adults become less anxious, sad people become more upbeat and angry people become calmer when receiving the appropriate treatment. If you feel that you or your kids are more intense than the average person, you might look into this form of help.

You've now got quite the toolkit to begin building the home of your dreams. Go for it!